TO-BE

 

 

What do you want?

I don’t know.

I am afraid. I don’t like the way things are moving. I think I need a break.

But aren’t you a little too young to be talking like this?

Yes. Maybe. I don’t know that either. I need to figure things out. I don’t know if there’s any ‘right’ age for that.

What exactly do you need figuring out?

My life, maybe?

My thoughts, maybe?

The truth is I’m afraid.

Afraid of what you ask?

Well, afraid of life.

I don’t understand where I am heading. I need to know some things. I need to know what I am doing is right or wrong. I need someone to tell me if I am right or wrong. I need someone to tell me what life is really about.

You know, every time I start thinking about my problems, there is this one thing that stops me; guilt.

I feel guilty.

I feel guilty of having everything. I feel guilty of being privileged. It’s like this guilt stops me from feeling bad about myself.

There are so many people out there with actual problems. People who don’t get to eat like I do. People who don’t get to study like I do. People who lack the basic things of life unlike me.

Am I right in feeling bad, despite everything I have?

Are my problems really bigger than theirs?

No. It’s not.

But despite everything I’ve got. I’ve problems too.

There are certain things that make me feel bad.

I will be honest with you. I think I am turning naive. I think I am losing control over myself.

I know they expect me to behave in a certain way. I know they expect certain things of me, but does that mean that I have to stop being me?

How can I be what I am not?

You know, sometimes when I let myself slip into the world of deep thoughts I feel that life is really short. No, not just in the way they say in those quotes or in those movies but in real.

Life. Is. Short. Period.

Every passing moment is the last of its kind, even if you do the same things at the same time every day. It is the last. What I have already lived is not going to come back. So do I really need to pretend? I don’t know. I never understood the way this world worked and maybe I never will. I never liked the way this world. I don’t want to pretend. I want to be left alone. Everyone around me tried to teach me their way of living. I listened to them. I listened to them every single time. But did only what I felt. Was I wrong? Maybe.

I won’t say I haven’t made mistakes coming along the way. I have. And a plenty of them. There are some I regret. There are some I don’t. It was nice of people around me to forgive. But does that mean that I don’t get to make any decisions?

Probably.

But tell me, is it right?

If only I knew.

It’s this simple. I don’t fit here. Maybe, I will die trying to find my place in the world or maybe I will find it and make it large in my own way. Who can say? The least I can do is try.

Try succeeding or die in the process.

I don’t know if I’ll ever find the one thing I have always been looking for. Maybe, I will or maybe I won’t but at least when I die I won’t have regrets. I don’t want to die regretting.

What will you do now?

If only I knew. I guess I need to change. For the better or worse only time will tell. I guess I need to start doing my part. Change what I can and fight what I can’t.

There is this quote I read somewhere on the Internet:

One year from now, you’ll wish you had started today.”

It is remarkable. And that is why I need to start today. Not tomorrow. Not next month. Today.

I have to be.

 

AG

 

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